Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

The first real week of kindergarten has been rough so far, for me and for Connor. As you may know, my boy does not embrace change and is not quick to feel comfortable in a new environment. So while last Monday went alright, Connor had a week between day one and day two to work up a good ball of anxiety about the whole situation. It was no surprise that things went in the crapper this Monday. Connor got to the classroom, put his things into his first-ever locker, then walked past Miss M in her assigned seat on his way to his own. You could see the reality wash over him as he slowly passed her by- they were not going to be sitting next to each other. It was like the teacher had snatched his security blanket right out from under him.

I crouched down next to him at his new seat, and was promptly knocked onto my butt by the force of his hug. As I got back on my feet, he pulled away and I could see that the tears had already started. “It’s going to be fine,” I assured him. “Have a great day!” I kissed him and left him there, tiny and lonely and sad, as the teacher swept in behind me to provide some comfort. As I got to the door, Connor did like he always does and gave me one last, “Bye Mom.” (He does this every time I leave him, even if it’s just at bedtime.) So I turned around for one last wave and saw him just totally splotchy and sobbing at this point. I still had my composure, so I came back in for one last kiss and “I love you” before running out into the hall, plopping myself in a chair next to SAM and Mr. Baby (who were filling out some forms) and doing some sobbing of my own. It’s safe to say that Monday will remain on my list of “Worst Parenting Memories” for quite some time.

In addition to spending most of Monday (and Tuesday) crying off and on, I’ve been struggling to get used to our new schedule too. (It should come as no surprise that Connor inherited his need for a regular routine from me.) We now have to leave the house around 6:50. That changes everything, and it is going to take a while to get used to it. While we are adjusting, I feel that everything is out of control. There are a bunch of little things that need to be attended to in our household, details that I’m supposed to handle, and I just can’t get to them.

Fortunately, I can make a list of things that need to be done and feel like I’m getting a grip on the situation. Connor, who also feels out of control right now, does not have a healthy way to handle that anxiety. Instead of making lists, he is attempting to exert control by doing everything on his own terms. If I ask him to quiet down, he starts yelling. If I say two cookies, he says three. If I hand him his Spiderman pjs, he throws them across the room and grabs a different set. Now I can work with giving him some choices, but at some point this just becomes disrespectful and rude. Since I’m already teetering on the edge this week, you can imagine that things have been tense between us.

In another week or so, we’ll have a handle on things. I’ll remember to iron my clothes before bed, and I’ll find a way to replace my morning Chloe time (or I’ll start waking her up earlier!). Connor will get to know some people in his class, and it won’t all seem new anymore. But that doesn’t make today any easier.